Boxing up these memories ♥

2011-06-23T20:14:00.000+08:00

It's kind of funny how I have well over a 100 contact numbers in my phone,
but I only text 5 or 6 on a regular basis.

Some days,
these few people just happen to be busy all at the same time,
and I start feeling void just because I have no one that I can comfortably talk to.

I just want to distant myself from people sometimes,
but sometimes I really need company.
Does that even make any sense?

2011-06-23T00:49:00.004+08:00

dear diary,

why am i feeling depressed again??

I feel like I could cry most days at the drop of a hat.
Why do I feel like this? Why do I feel as though I dont have any friends close by?
Why do I feel as though I am never going to achieve my goals?

I am bored all the time.... the only entertainment i have is watching dvds and the net. Theres nowhere to go and nobody to see..

Why does growing older depress me? Why does money depress me? Why can't I get motivated do do things?

I may be smiling all the time, but I'm always hurting inside...........

what is wrong with me???

i can't play pretend anymore....

perplex thoughts.

2010-02-15T20:28:00.004+08:00

i just need to find ways to release my frustration.

and i'm always smiling for the wrong reasons.

2010-01-26T21:43:00.003+08:00

i wonder whats gonna happen next. oh allah give me the strength to endure this please.....

2010-01-07T19:58:00.002+08:00

i know i've not been updating my blog for a really long time. its really because i'm quite lazy to type out all my thoughts.

anyway, school is good. i might decide to take up student council (again HAHA).

kthsxbye im tired.

2009-12-15T03:45:00.003+08:00

i don't know if it's PMS or what. but lately i've been very angsty over the slightest things. ok la i always throw my temper and piss people off. but sorry that it is just me ;D

OKAY SHIT IT'S 4AM ALREADY.

and i have to be down for my check up at 9AM tmrw. ok die.

anyway, i'm feeling happy now because i've finish watching coffee prince in just 2 days time. haha. but i still think boys over flowers is still the best.

brilliant legacy next yo! and i seriously can't wait for BOF season 2.

so deprived of good dramas man.
okay time for bed bye.

2009-12-11T19:34:00.000+08:00

(sorry ladies, hehe)

have i every mentioned that i'm afraid of being in love again? because i'm paranoid that the person would ask for the break up.

i run away from pain, and i try not to love. i try to handle things with control because i'm scared of having to fall and hurt because i can't do anything. to keep in short and simple, this is also why i run away from reality. i'm so tired of it already.

i know that happiness would never last forever. and sometimes because i'm paranoid to say that relationhips would never be prolonged and eventually sadness would enslave me again. i was so tired having the cycle of being in blissful love or comfort and then eventually thrown back into the deepest pit of emptiness and sorrow.

anyway, i love you too hyun joong.

xoxo

eleh love like this seh :)

2009-12-07T00:00:00.010+08:00

i am ever so thankful to kim hyun joong for giving me peace at heart. haha. every time when i think of him i feel as though everything is okay. i'm really thankful for that HAHA.

but sometimes thinking of him can be quite depressing la. cause i know i will never ever be with him or meet him even. (HAHA) and then when i miss him so much i feel pain cause i know he won't miss me back. something like that. you get what i mean.

and i should really realise that it won't come true. i was like watching his videos on youtube. he is like oh em gee i wanna meet him and make him mine now LOL. hahah i'm totally far far away from that i know. i think thats why i'm abe to still be dreamy bout it :)

hmmm. weird dreams for 3 consecutive days
because i've been sleeping for more than 10 hrs a day. HAHA
im missing hyunjoong again :(

2009-11-28T23:26:00.002+08:00

:) today is a happy day.
went back to my workplace with jack, zul and shazwan. then proceeded to jurung point, where we saw these group of ultra cute ang mohs. only one catches my eyes. HAHA. he's like tanned and funky and dao. if he were any younger i'd call him handsome. and his eyes, they were blue nd sorta translucent? really pretty. ahh, but he looked like what, 25 years old?

today passed quite fast. as a matter of fact the whole week has been passing quickly. except for a large amount of time spent feeling aimless and empty, because i've been staying at home.

anyway, happy birthday yong fa :)

2009-11-18T00:21:00.000+08:00

r ry ryn ryna says:
gerek dok kerje aku..
hahaha
banyak china man handsome2!
[b][i][c=29]wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ [/c][/i][/b] says:
kite mao gy town^^
then fico
then vivo
lagy best
hahahas
r ry ryn ryna says:
AHHH
PIDA!!!
[b][i][c=29]wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ [/c][/i][/b] says:
vivo bnyk ppm
r ry ryn ryna says:
LOL!!!!
[b][i][c=29]wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ [/c][/i][/b] says:
lagy best
r ry ryn ryna says:
GATAL
[b][i][c=29]wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ [/c][/i][/b] says:
hahas
r ry ryn ryna says:
hahahahahahahahaha
first time kau ckp gini.
[b][i][c=29]wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ [/c][/i][/b] says:
pat hayyat pon same
hahas
r ry ryn ryna says:
ok you are going into my blog
LOL!

one who never fails to make me smile. haha thank you oh bawang :)

i think i like today, i think it's good.

2009-11-13T22:25:00.002+08:00

*winkwink*

Im 99.9% sure he has already gotten over me, but its the 0.1% that keeps me hanging on. If everything is so true, then edward cullen is already my husband then (omg, what am i saying, he so ewwwwwwww, look at his face please) HAHA.

my life seem so meaningless nowadays, computer, then eat sleep. go band after that return home sleep. no life, i think my life is shortening too.

yup, its important to have trust in a friendship to keep in going.
cherish all your friends before it's too late. cherish? okay, it leads me to the thought of my NCO friends and classmates again. i really miss all of them.

to those who wanna ngade ngade with me, jalan suda eh. (:

2009-11-11T11:21:00.003+08:00

i really hate it when people don't mean what they say. It just makes you feel like "uhmm okay then?" i just don't like the feeling of being used when their problems are okay and settled then you're being discarded to one side. The whole thingy and issue is just so complicated. For a moment i felt like tying this category of people together and stab them one by one. its getting on my nerves okayyyy. enough is enough.

so i think i should stop being gullible. or maybe its just me trusting humans too easily and quickly.

dumb right.

ahh if i do get a chance to sec 5 next year i'm going to go new york billy bombers/kfc/mac and eat to my heart's delight. if i don't i'm going to go straight home and wallow in my bed and cry.

immature consequence. whot the hell.

2009-11-09T20:23:00.004+08:00

i didn't trim my hair. I cut it. omg my friggin long hair which took me months and years to grow is now gone. NOW MY HAIR IS SO ORBITT TO THE MAX. thought of rebonding my hair but... *POOF* nevermind.

i feel fucking bad right now.
i was so fucking upset.
what the hell is wrong with me. perhaps i'm just too temperamental.
i'm sorry.

to ayun, think of what you said to me. i think its an immature consequence keithxs. very selfish, really.

nobody is worth my tears.

endure, woman!

2009-11-05T00:41:00.000+08:00

yes, whatever shits that comes into my life, I have to learn to accept it. And re-accept it again and again whenever some small matter changes. I wanna be strong :)

i don't feel comfortable telling my problems to anyone. that is because i really hate talking about it. i feel really uncomfortable when people ask me too many stuffs. i feel extremely extremely uncomfortable. and thats because i keep the problems to myself, and only share it with the trustworthies, ONLY.

sometimes i look at myself and i ask myself whether i deserve anything; and i realise i actually might not really have anything. argh i dont know. maybe it's because i'm blessed with so many things that i'm such a bitch. for that i like to isolate myself from people because there's this inferior feeling or whatsoever. i dont like labels and i dont know what's wrong with me :(

i'm totally aware that i'm becoming more and more of a person who doesn't like all the socialising. i like to move away from crowds.

i just cant wait until i'm over with my teenager years :( seriously. i want to interact but i love isolating myself; i want to share but i cant seem to open up my mouth to anyone; i want to cry but something's holding me back..

lunch-box!

life sucks when you screw it up at a young age.

2009-11-04T09:11:00.001+08:00

yesterday i felt like puking while eating breakfast, skipped lunch and felt like puking while eating dinner. stress helps to lose weight! :)

his old posts never fails to make me fall in love with him again, the really really long ago posts are.. so damn cute.

HOWEVER, when i saw the pictures of you and her and the sweetness and intimacy and love in your recent posts killed me.

i hope i'll be strong to endure this.

peace.

2009-11-03T02:15:00.003+08:00

i got this from facebook. (:

Your Love Horoscope
This is a day Libra where your skills of planning and critical thinking will help you with your romantic affairs. Whether you are single or attached, you may come across some unexpected problems that will disturb your status quo momentarily. Do not let these drag you down or suck all of your positive energy, as you will later realize that these issues could have been avoided with a little bit of forethought on your part. You may see a romantic situation where someone that you at first thought was going to be reliable is actually nothing more than a thorn in your side today. Don't spend too much energy on things that aren't working today, let go and move on, and create affectionate energy pathways for the real deal that may be just around the corner.

and thank you zakwan! for reading my blog although i dint expect you'll read hahahhaa.

Wan!! says:
Forget the past, and look foward for the future,

i will defenitely, thanks! really:)

i don't feel alive, again.

2009-11-03T00:24:00.000+08:00

Well the past stuff I wrote and saved are all redundant and outdated now so I shall not paste it back. Blogger let you change the date to suit the time you actually wrote the entry but I guess it's not possible here. RIGHT?

i hate people who don't think before they say or DO anything. people like myself. im so crushed. very crushed.

for the first time in my life i wish i could cry. i've not cried for i dont know how may days/weeks. and i just wanna cry right now. i've been trying to be strong and immune to every circumstance too long that i'm no longer vulnerable to feelings. i know it's scarier to not feel anything and to feel everything too much. how is it that i'm an emotional person now not being emotional? it's like not being myself. how am i supposed to feel okay like this :(

you know there's this part of me who wants to be optimistic like i am, and a part of me who would naturally and automatically turn away from crowds being the melancholic side that i have. it's so difficult to compromise between both ends; it's extremely difficult now and i dont know what to do arghhh.

i need a big bear hug :((((((

.___.

2009-11-02T16:35:00.003+08:00

/thinks about not entering sec 5
/starts screaming.

OH MY GOSH SOMEONE
KILL ME PLEASE.

okay it's like not my fault that i've been slacking alot but also my fault for being such a procrastinator. my life is a real roller coaster okay. i'm emotionally unstable. i'm a sanguine melancholic who cries too often for no apparent reason. i dont feel like doing work or going to school for stomp or band :(

BUT....

although i'm emotionally unstable (which affects my work and social life), i should try to suppress ever hindrance or distraction out of my life now. i'm absolutely INSANE. i mean it. my emotional instability is irritating and i just wanna scream out loud. the only reason why i can breathe now is Allah. knowing he gave me the security and still give me a place in where i should go to keeps me rest assured with very little worries. i thank God for everything.

i got a mail from spiderman. totally dint expect that but haha! i'll go offline bout it hey! oh yes i met sharks, fieza, akif, mirrah and adick at yew tee today:)

history again? noooo >.<

2009-11-01T20:43:00.005+08:00

deep inside there's this something that is pulling me down..
i bury it underneath every encased actual emotions.
i know what's wrong and what's right.. i know deep inside what i really want. but i just choose to turn against it.

i somehow need things straight. that perfect life i've been working on yes? i need that security that i dare to not say.. i cover myself with comfortable atmosphere like socialising and made new friends with the guyssss because i am cautious and suspicious over everyone who were close to me. (phobia after what had happened to me few months back hohoho)

can i ever trust anyone wholly? i'm so scared that things are going haywire (again) or me making things go wrong with absolute mistakes. this is also why i pull myself away, veiling mistakes after mistakes i created.

am i in deep with fisherman's friend? hopefully it's a nooo. i don't want to experience a second round of a disastrous emotional roller coaster ride again :(((((

but why am i feeling at the lowest again damn it.

COURAGEEEE DI MANA KAU!? :(

peace.

2009-10-31T00:22:00.002+08:00

i would be happier with my life if i:
didn't have a huge ass
didn't love food so much
was smarter
was skinnier
slept for another three hours
was done with o's
am richer
could go shopping without a budget
was eating french fries
didn't chop off my hair
wasn't born in singapore

loser? not.

2009-10-30T23:17:00.003+08:00

how i wish we never have to complain about life.

complains are just excuses to cover up our disappointments and mistakes. complaining actually make your load feels lighter by little, but it doesn't really solves the issue, does it?

At times, i do have this impulse whereby i just wanna throw everything behind and walk away.

SERIOUSLY.

i feel like a jerk for not working hard. I feel like i've disappoint many many people, my parents especially. i feel like i'm not gonna achieve my dreams if i don't stop being a 100/100 perfectionist.

wake up, aryna. wake up.

2009-10-29T08:05:00.001+08:00

the days's been quite horrible on the inside, but alot better on the outside.
i hate grey days. hate hate hate.
:(

apk boys i miss!

falling.

2009-10-28T09:54:00.004+08:00

i've been thinking alot lately. haha and i've realised soooo many things as well! haha obviously right. but whateverrrr! it's not like i'd post everything in public heehee.

/SAD CONFUSED FACE.

i'm feeling extremely down nowadays boo :(
i want my old self back. the happy go lucky big cry baby who likes to be raucous and simple minded.

i miss 4B, i miss my apk boys.

empty hole.

2009-10-23T23:31:00.001+08:00

if i get a chance to get a boy i want to name him Shawn! if i get a girl her name should sound like some princess' name! hahahahaha

okay. i hereby declare that the girl writing this is afraid to love; and is hopeful that she'd make a better girlfriend in the years to come. there are still unexpected ups and downs along the way. and if something triggers with extra special emotion or feelings, she would decide whether she would try to keep it to herself and if she is scared and does not trust anyone like now, or whether she'd sacrifice all that amount of pain and her whole heart again ready for another roller coaster ride. cant wait for the next chapter oh yes.

thank you everyone who bothered to comment on the previous post.
<333333

i'm absolutely naive.

2009-10-23T19:23:00.002+08:00

i hope to die before i hit 17.

phobia 3.

2009-10-22T20:50:00.003+08:00

it's really weird that now is the age to have flings because no relationship would really last long. on the other hand, i'm also looking for that long lasting relationship that would really lead into marriage.

BUT i'm kinda just only interested in having the serious one after i'm old enough. i don't want history to repeat itself. the feeling just suckxsxzc when you fall out of love at this age. yes it contradicts that i might feel lonely at times, but who knows? anything can happen. it's not that i don't believe TRUE love cannot happen now, i just don't want to be in a relationship that is filled with lies.

i was reading shaqdah's and fana's blog. ok gerls, BIG HUG! relax, take it easy :) if you need someone to talk to, i'm here alright?

AND OMG. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW. thank you so so so much syazwan zaman sayang!
and to people who had the initiative to ask me :)Bumping to Michelle Kia and Jin hua at bp yesterday was really nice too! Going back to school to help Mdm Fatimah out was fun and awesome! <3333

oh yes i went out with mdm fatimah and ms ng to get some things today. HAHAHAHA and they were really funny! totally made my day. xoxo

betol tak?

2009-10-21T21:40:00.003+08:00

wouldn't it be easier if i didn't love you? then i wouldn't feel so hurt. wouldn't it be easier if i couldn't love?then maybe i wouldn't feel anything for anyone. you want to love and you do love, you want to be loved but you're not. you don't want to love because you're not loved. you don't want to be loved because you don't want to love.

complicated, very complicated. boo ):

2009-10-20T21:11:00.003+08:00

oh please paint me a beautiful picture.

bring me back to my memories.

and let me remember the sweetness of it.

pull me back to the secret garden

and let me go from the hustle and mess of work and life.

sigh.

2009-10-20T09:00:00.000+08:00

HUGE SIGH.
am i selfish to make you to text me FIRST and making me happy?

look what happened now. hahahaha but hey there's more to life than focusing on relationships or whatsoever it is called, right?
hahaha

i'm determined to forget you from tomorrow.
yay ryna!

You're like a balloon.
Once let go i'm not going to get you back.

chilly morning.

2009-10-20T08:11:00.002+08:00

i realised i've been coming back to this blank space for quite awhile
this can only mean that i've nothing to blog about
when actually, i had a dozen things to say
a dozen things to say on a day where simply nothing happened.

cas i was sleeping most of the time -.- HAHA

XOXO.

beeeeek. beeeeeek!

2009-10-19T22:22:00.005+08:00

omgs. was talking to zakwan, the sheeep.
HAHAHA please, he is sungguh funny!

aryna says:
i've been wanting to tell you this. you've got a very nice eyes hahaha!
aryna says:
so random rightttt. im super duper zuper bored luh.
wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ says:
LOL.. gilerr
wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ says:
hahahs
wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ says:
ur dp have a nice eyebag uh?
wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ says:
hahaha!!
wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ says:
fake!
aryna says:
hahaah can see uh?
aryna says:
alamakkk
aryna says:
unglam laiO!
aryna says:
liao*
wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ says:
tu uh sape suru tido lambat3
wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ says:
hahaha
wAn!!٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ says:
fake la
aryna says:
hahaha okay okay
aryna says:
im gonna copy this and paste it on my blog
aryna says:
HAHA
aryna says:
FUNNY SIA

he was talking about this picture below anyway. biggest bully ever. hmphs!

boys over bunga :)

2009-10-19T21:00:00.007+08:00

it's really fun to watch korean dramas and think of my dream guy. hahaha. i'm really in love with this kim bum guy (-_-)" i think the older you get, the more you know yourself, and the more you know what you need to look for your life partner :)

OKAY OKAY.
so my husband needs to be a muslim! hahaha yay thats top priority. i think he needs to be someone who can understand me almost completely, and someone who accepts me for who i am--and obviously not concentrate on my flaws and tell me how bad i truly am :( i want him to protect me and make me comfortable around him, and trust is the foundation of everything. i have a problem with forgiving and forgetting big mistakes like cheating or abondening, so that's definitely out. someone who can remind me of my digusting ego which i need to decrease, someone humerous so i can't stop laughing and someone who shares the same main ideas or ambitions :) HAHA!

and oh he needs to read my blog once or twice a week because he wants to know what i'm thinking, and remember the important dates. like my birthday, our anniversaries(MUST!!!!), family birthdates and whatsoever.

when you truly love someone, it becomes not only sacrificial but also a will that you want to do for your other half. someone so important to you, someone you need in your life. i think the best part of being young is when you realise you fall for the guy. hahahaha

omgs i can't wait for 25! nak kahwennnnn :P

i want things to go my way.

2009-10-18T00:52:00.008+08:00

everytime i look back to the old entries, i want to skip a few. i want to forget the sad times, to prevent myself from stirring up the same old emotions. i want to cry no more, i want to be happy and pretend like i'm okay. i dont want any random person to know my problems. i want to smile and laugh with true happiness.

i just spent the last 50 minutes reading all my old posts. you try to live for the moment, and then you look back you realise you feel so nostalgic. you don't know how you went through so much, you don't know how you ended like that, and although you've accomplished great things you still feel as though everything was nothing. i thought i did mien best, but mine best wasn't everything. of course tears are rolling down my eyes. hey no, its not that im emo. although i used to, HAHA, i just feel really perplexed.

anyway, was chatting with emily. we talked about some stupid cute stuffs we girls did hahahaha..

and it was how nice to talk to shazwan zaman, syafiq and zakwan at the same time. they're really funny people. omgs :)

ɑŋʈọŋɪọ ϝέέϥσ маѕсагаӣө™ CPK says:
*qistina hawt tapi cantik ngan sexy

Syazwan Zaman says:
*senang kate..
*arina cantik sikit..tapi..qistina cantik byk
*cantik plus bohsia

adik kau amek limelight aku sia! sebok tol. hmpppphs :(

tak fair laaaaa!

Wednesday,

2009-10-17T23:33:00.000+08:00

Thursday and Friday have been really awful days.
Something's very wrong, I've been quite down these days. I don't know whats up with me laaar.
motivation inspiration motivation inspiration motivation inspiration please!!!!!!! I can't help it -.-

gasps. facebook and youtube is so addictive.

painting pictures.

2009-10-16T17:26:00.002+08:00

ehhh. i know i'm late. but hehe. i pun nak upload gambar raya i lahhhhh! -_-"

hahaha. IT HAS BEEN A BOOMZ RAYA FOR ME.
totally! despite whatever downs i had to face before that.... okay whatever.

life is getting more relaxed for me. that is because school life has ended..
i've been sleeping for more than 12 hours a day..

and its almost a week i have been cooped up at home. very mendak. i am going crazy soon. someone help me please!

2009-10-13T09:35:00.003+08:00

After the killer in the name of Nlevels, i've finally found back my newfound freedom hey! :)

*big grin*

uhhh so, raya with 4Beeeeeeees today. totally don't feel like going out but. urgh.

I just so love sitting in my bedroom just reading or spending way too much alone time with my laptop or organising and re-organising my cupboards or basically doing nothing. Or sleeping. I love to sleep these days. I think my body is trying to make up for all the days of insomnia that it was subjected to during my last few days of burning the midnight oil. Those were the days when I lived on coffee and candies and could still be fresh and be awake even for a 2-3 hrs of sleep only okay. HAHA.

okay readers. i'll be back. anyeong!

*MWAAAAAA*

2009-10-09T23:55:00.000+08:00

i am very sad to know i've put on weight is one thing. to have people telling is another. hais i must cut down on my appaling eating habits. plusssssss im not training anymore, so all the more i should cut down rightt?

pffffffffffffffft.

moods has their own seasons too.

2009-09-24T20:12:00.002+08:00

this is boredom at its climax/peak or okay whateverrrrrrr.
boredom maximusssss.

hais im feeling rather off track these few days.
dear friends, please bear with me.

kisses.

i'm feeling

2009-09-16T04:17:00.002+08:00

A LIL BIT OF MELANCHOLY.

define HAPPY family. please.

who are you kidding.

2009-09-14T20:34:00.003+08:00

My posts are very long, aren't they?
Guess what, perhaps i think too much.

LIVE WITH IT.
hehehehehehehehe.

"I just wish everything could start all over again"
If I could turn back time, would I have gone into this with you? Honestly, I don't know. If I went back in time and made sure this didn't happen, things wouldn't be so complicated now, and we could still be friends. The four of us would still be able to hang out as close friends.

Our lives would be really different now if this didn't happen. Would I have preferred it that way? Honestly, I doubt so. As painful as the breakup was, and as confused and emotionally unstable my heart is now, I don't really regret this. I just hate all the complications that are coming up now. What's going to happen after my N's? Will our group of friends... disperse? Nothing's going to be the same again. The four of us will never be the same again.

OKAYYY.
That's exactly how I feel.
I'm never really good with words... i know. *hmpppph

deep inside,

2009-09-13T22:18:00.004+08:00

i am really hurt and broken with your blunt words, but thanks so much to all friends, especially emily, for the sweet meaningful msn conversation, shakir for the sms, and fadhila, aidil and iskandar for the phonecalls. hehehehe. thank you<3333333333

and heyyyyy:

nicholas, i want my tenor saxophone back!!!!!! don't take it away )))):
meimei kia, you know who to find when you need a listening ear kay! cheer up nak :)
bobby esai, cepat balik! you need to be up by 6.30 tmr okay!
izzuan, if you're reading this, HARLO HARLO! kpo eh bace blog orang, hahahaha babo. *BLUEK*
zakwan, long time no chat huhhhhh. hahahaha hope you're doing good :)
emily, i knw you're asleep. HEHE goodnight bie!
michelle, don't think too much and go to bed soon :)
shakir, SEE YOU TMR CLIFFY!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

and fadhila??? hope you're back home safely from JB. heeheeehee

ok earthlings,
time for bed.

MWACKS.

emotion in words.

2009-09-13T17:58:00.002+08:00

i hate that i have to bottle everything up to myself and pretend to smile like my usual self. i don't even remember my problems that i've kept so deep inside and buried them until i can't see them no more. i don't like how i can't talk to anyone just to let out my feelings. i dont like to cry because i can't express my sadness and frustration. i do not have the ability to tell people my problems. because i hide everything okay. because i don't want people to know my problems. i don't like to have people see me frown. i like to be happy. i do. i just wished i could find someone to explain life's flactuating roller coaster ride.

cut the negativity mindset that is constraining me.

2009-09-12T00:15:00.003+08:00

i get really sad when i think of the past. not because i'm not over him yet. (:
i was thinking about how much i've cried in a span of a month, how many hours i cried and how much my friends had to cheer me up. i'm not being bitter and exaggerating over the past. nobody knew why it hurts to talk to her. why anything related to them would cause so much pain. why i came to school with swollen eyes and still smile and tell everyone i'm okay.

i totally dislike how i don't want things to end up would end up. i don't like how i feel insecure because of the things that had been happened to me before. i NEED the past to leave me alone, so my present would be okay, would be hopeful.

till now, i'm afraid to love, i'm afraid to fall, i'm afraid to cry, i'm afraid to dream big, i'm afraid to like and i'm afraid i can't stop liking.

i hope i'll get better after Ns. the feeling as though i would be complete.

BLAH. i think i have relationship phobia because of what i've had experienced. the feeling sucks you know?

makes me wonder.

2009-09-05T00:06:00.002+08:00

apparently not my day because of several reasons.

because its not my birthday today. (hahaha) and happy belated birthday to izzuan and advance to ahmad.

but thankfully, my friends are almost all a pretty nice bunch of people. ALMOST. hahahhaa. they really rock my smelly socks! thank you to those who tried to cheer me up yuppp.
maybe it's just me la, being so angsty for these few days. like getting pissed over the slightest things easily, maybe due to the dumb weather -.- but really, especially michelle who truly cares. she really can't stop asking whether i'm alright like every 5 mins until my response satisfies her. hahahaha thank you dear. *hugs*

phewwww.
all i do is blink and TA DA. it's the last week of term 3 already. 2 days to go to the breakthrough hmmm. At least an A2 for malay and no lesser, yes aryna? :) oh gawd. i am just soooo not ready for Social Studies paper next week. 3 topics yet to store in my head. damn it. damn ittttttt. die already lah! hang me.

haisssss next, a lesson learnt today.
i've learn NEVER to judge a person's character by the way they look, they may look decent but somehow, deep down inside, this cunning snake slithers it way up to bite your back without you knowing. it's like a unknown death lah. HAHA welllll. something like that. *gees*

anyway, i bought a dress with fadhilah just now. totally loving it. hahahhahaha.
well thats all about it now.
bye, folks!

2009-08-30T01:02:00.001+08:00

i'm dying of pre exams.
officially, and i know this blog has been untouched for an insanely long time
oh well.
i am a truly cool girl who has way too many things to do than blog HAHAHAHA
i wish eh.
okay this blog is barely surviving because

1) i'm lazy
2) i can only think of bimbo things to write now
3) i'm lazy

WAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAH

kay i seriously have nothing intelligent to say right now.

2009-08-30T00:58:00.005+08:00

anyways, time to berfeeling feeling.
something classic to show. elehhhhh
power lah abang bob and mimi kita; heheh

so thats all about it.
goodnight and goodbye.

2009-08-19T04:42:00.003+08:00

i screwed english paper/somebody shoot me now pls.

i MUST start speaking in proper English, even if it kills me. It'll be really tough but I'll try my best to take note of what I say - I say almost everything without thinking, and then I forget what I've said almost immediately after. Friends, if I speak in Singlish, slap me.

Maths paper 1 yesterday was horrible/ terrible x 2352840 okay. i just felt very frustrated because all the stuff i memorised was useless and it was so unexpected that i'll forget it upon looking at the paper :( nonetheless, it's over. a load off from my mind. anyway, 3 more papers left. fighting!!!! :)

mak kau punya laki lah.

2009-08-10T18:55:00.005+08:00

fine my blog is dead.
i'm updating it now happy?
currently, i'm talking to shakir on msn. and what else?
ermmmmmm
errrrrrrrrrrrr
ahhhhhhhhhh

SHAKIR!!!!

blanja me teh can????????? :D

hehehe.
and not forgetting. nichkhun, sarang hae yo. ALOT k.

and...

2009-08-02T23:45:00.001+08:00

I see the sparkle of a million flashlights.
okay, Prelims are in 2 weeks time and I am absolutely not prepared. Not. Not. Not.

so...

2009-07-28T04:20:00.011+08:00

you can have my leftovers. been there, done that.
seriously :)

2 weeks to prelims. i don't know what i've been doing all these while and i feel really lost. things come and go instantaneously anywhere and anytime. My head couldn't function like the usual and i felt dreamy and tired always. i need to cry. ranting probably makes me feel better in one way? sigh. stay focus aryna!

but anyways, thank you everyone who bothered to ask me :) but i'm sorry i can't share any problems. i appreciate you guys dearly hokay! ♥

and wow. life is so tragic.

POA weekly test seriously sucks.
out of 5 papers, i think i've failed like 4 of them.
hurray. awesome. can someone just hack me into a million pieces?!

i thought i was so much stronger.

2009-07-27T05:27:00.004+08:00

trying to forget someone you love so much is like trying to remember someone you never met.

woman, i'm exhausted, give me a break please.

you're just not too tired.

2009-07-26T22:40:00.000+08:00

how my blood boils,
it's sweet taste for you.

CONTROL YOUR POISON, BABE.

gaps! i miss my bf<3

talk only, NO ACTION.

2009-07-26T12:28:00.004+08:00

if i have to sound typical minah/ahlian or unreasonable here, i don't care.
cause this have been bottling up inside.
i have limits too yeap.

and do you know what i'm really feeling right now?

TRUCKLOAD OF BETRAYAL.

100% betrayal from you, you and you.
confusing? GREAT.

ni shuo ni yao wang ji ta, ni hai que shuo bu yao he ta lian lao, dan shi wei she me wo hai kan dao ni he ta zai lian luo? ba puo, TONA ah!

so sorry i have to put it in that way. like what mama and friends told me,
"sometimes you just need to be harsh to move on"

and siapa makan chill terasa pedas k.
:)

bleeding soul.

2009-07-25T09:35:00.001+08:00

I am thankful for having (other) wonderful friends. Thank you for everything, I really appreciate it even though I am not good at expressing. I am finally able to see who really cares and who does not. As for those who didn't even bother taking the initiative or reply to my smses, I know where I stand. Maybe bf is right. Many things are beyond my control, and I should learn to let go, yes?

what makes a good friend?

2009-07-24T22:40:00.002+08:00

This is something I've been thinking about lately as I realize one of the most important callings in my life is to be a friend. We all love having good friends, but how good of a friend are we?

Fabian told me this.
"Bestfriends don't bastard or hurt each other that badly."

SIGH. should i say anything?
prolly next time..

taknak friend youuuuuuu!

2009-07-24T18:09:00.003+08:00

please please please help me
i'm i'm i'm on the verge of crying
i need need need to go to school tomorrow
i don't want to miss miss miss my math class.
yes yes yes and of cos band practice and STOMP performance tomorrow
i am so so so merajuk with ms roz and mr shashi for forbidding me to go to school.

HMPHHHHHHH! *insert act cute face*

i want a math tutor

2009-07-23T09:55:00.000+08:00

If i cannot pass my Math,
If i don't get a B3 at least,
If i don't make it into Ngee Ann or Singapore poly or ACJC,
i will die.

HAHAHAHAHA pigs will fly, acjc much =.=

i need to brush up on my school work. I NEED help!
I'm aiming for a very high A2 for Biology. hahahaha

gaps! i miss my bf >.<

sweet thing.

2009-07-22T18:50:00.009+08:00

I want to change. I want to change the way I am. I want to change my perception of things. I want to change my mindset. I want to change my attitude. I want to learn to appreciate things/ people around me. There are other things worth being happy for.

RIGHT kawan kawan?

HUGE sigh.

2009-07-22T18:25:00.005+08:00

You know when I got here, I start typing furiously about something, just how I felt about some things, but then I felt that I should not be typing it here since this journal is public, so I started hitting the Backspace key and removed everything.. it feels weird, -.-

BUT ANYHOOOOOOO.

i'm so sorry to those who has to read my rudundant posts;
like my previous super emo sad boring dull classic posts mmmm.

time to muggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg <3

gorgeous humans!

2009-07-20T22:38:00.001+08:00

Ms Melanie Ho, Kamilah, Alson, Syahirah 4D, Arian, Emilyah, Fadhila, Angelo, Azman, Syamel, Haziq, Faiz, Fieza 'O, Mirrah, Tina Tan, Ying Ying, Asshiddiq, Shaqdah, Farris, Shakir, Hadi, Ahmad Akmal, Ahmad Suheil, Michael, Zahirah, Syafiq, Masturah, Ezlin, Ashiqin, Kok Kiong, Puvin, Michelle, Suhaimi, Ling Sheng, Ren An, Zulhelmi Budiman, Khamirul, Nani, Nissiel, Sabrina Roslan, Mas Ramona, Kamilah, Haziq, Syafiq, Vincent, Gideon, Mariya, Linsa, Syazwan Bear, Noel Chong, Ayun, Sheila, Shak, Iman, Hendra, Toto, Ira Boink Boink, Cikgu Bariyah, Ms roz, Mdm fatimah, Mr shashi, Ms Chan CY, Mr Wee, Mrs beh, Mr raj, Ms goh SJ, Shazwan Bio, Shazlina, Hidayah, Amira Idora, Shehnaz, Idris, Izzah, Sri-ayu, Sabrina Awan, Saihah, Liyana, Amiratul, Praba, Sufi Slash, Ilham, Husaini, Khalilah, Fabian, Mas Hazwan

I've never stop loving you guys even since god knows when,
Thanks for the care, love, warmth, meaningful smses, advice and everything everybodeh! <333333

i can't take it lar hmphhhh!

2009-07-20T10:55:00.004+08:00

life's funny, sometimes it can push pretty hard
when you fall in love with someone and they forget to love you back.

i'm totally aware that i'm becoming more and more of a person who doesn't like all the socialising. i like to move away from crowds. I don't show my complete self infront of people, and not cause i'm a two faced bitch kay. but because i keep my problems to myself, and only share it with the trustworthies :)

last but not least
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAK!!!!
this little baby is finally 17, yes? :)

how do people survive this?

2009-07-19T12:36:00.003+08:00

with all that water coming out of my eyes, i bet i've lost at least 2kg. HA HA HA
i'm struggling with reality.

WHY WHY WHY IS THERE NO WAY TO ESCAPE?

and baby, why are we not talking anymore?

memories are haunting me.

2009-07-18T00:59:00.001+08:00

why must things be so complicated.
so difficult to answer.
and so hurtful to go through?

DEAR GIRL, HOW I WAS CRAZY HOW I CRIED WHEN I HEARD..
how can you be so heartless..

YES MOVE ON, DAMN IT.
his future belongs to her aryna!!!!!

randomness :)

2009-07-17T16:36:00.010+08:00

1) i remember his cousin fareezfadzil telling me this (:
"can you please tell (insert name) not to wear skinny jeans. my family don't like cause his legs will look like chopsticks"
HAHAHA...

2) i tied my shoelace to his.
"you jangan tinggalkan i tauuuuuuu :D"
"tak la tak akan..."
"ok you. alamak, tak leh bukak ni camne?"
(he bent down) "bodo laaa u"
"heheheh(all smiles and grinny), sorry sayanggggg (still smiling)"

3) sec1 all time favourite song> :) my only one

4) you cloned me and we invite people to our conversations. HAHAHAHA ITS SO FUNNY HOW WE CONFUSED THEM.

5) Swensens with ms melanie ho! <333333

6) Macdonals with mdm fatimah! <3333333

7) paper plane. 'haha, go home early okayyyyyyy" :D

8) exhanging of p.e attire during sec 1 and 2, and yes. his p.e shorts is super big and longgar can hahaha.

9) on the plane, from sydney to singapore.
"aryna help me........ i cannot tahan the tremulous"
WE SHARED BLANKETS OKAY HAHAHAHA. and mr shashi saw =.=
and you know what happened uh :DDD

10) Playground at BP garden plaza with ms melanie :D
i'll upload the pics soon! :)

11) Food culture, our favourite hot and sour noodle!
"you share dengan i kayyyy...."

12) Cabut NGAJI and calls me, like everytime la. on the line for hours like one mother.
"i'm under the block.... lazy ah wanna go up"

AND OBVIOUSLY THERES MORE. hahahahaha i wonder if you still remember these, but anywho. our memories will always be with me. in my mind! still fresh (:

AND if you're reading this then... YAYYY!!! i love you cantik!!!!!!! sims3 will be soon okay? gimmie time ;D

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ you.

once upon a time relived.

2009-07-17T10:20:00.007+08:00

We should all be made to undergo tests for H1N1 every week or something. It's spreading way too fast and Singapore is entering the fourth stage of the flu cycle which means there'll be an even more rapid and drastic increase in the number of H1N1 cases (Like as if our population is damn big), and I totally bet there are a thousand other people in Singapore who have the H1N1 flu but just didn't bother getting tested.

Singapore isn't doing enough, definitely. The flu is spreading so fast and I know a number of schools which have H1N1 cases but aren't closed yet. Bestie and (abg) 'Imran, take care! :)

okay, what is love supposed to feel like after 4 months? four months together is not alot, yes? but the memories we had could be a lifetime's worth. Everything we went through, everything we did. The memories. Hello, my memory sucks to the max and I've lost a lot of memories and yet the memories I have of us are enough to last a lifetime. classic!

At 3am last night, i was still awake. i was waiting for your sms cause you said you needed to rest when i texted you at 11pm. And till now, (time check:10.30am) i still receive non from you. you know dear, it's kinda heartbreaking but it's okay..

i understand you and I are taking a break from each other, so that I can think about this relationship and where it's going and whether what I'm really feeling is love.

Honestly speaking, I miss you, but that's just because you were so sweet and well, I'm used to seeing / having you. It's been almost four years anyway; and four years in your teenage life is quite a lot, because in your teenage years you mature very fast.

i just really hope that if we really break up, it'll help us grow in God. It doesn't seem to be working now, but we'll see how it goes..

HOW COULD YOU BE SO HYPROCRITICAL WHEN I SPOKE MY SECRETS FROM DEEP WITHIN?

2009-07-16T23:38:00.003+08:00

i hope mama is telling me the truth..
and not faking in words just to make me feel good..

i hope betsie is in the pink of health soon :)
i love you keen!
and teeruk! :)

dear whoever,

2009-07-16T18:54:00.002+08:00

"The truth hurts but the lies used to cover up hurts even more. "

thank you very much.

i want to be a prickly porcupine, so that i couldn't be hurt by anything or anybody anymore ): i need a big bear hug please.

2009-07-15T18:54:00.004+08:00

As mean as I act and as much as I act like I don’t care, I really do. I care and it scares me and i don't want to be hurt, and I'm just acting like I don’t. I'm starting to believe it.

thank you so much,
t-ruk.

okay aryna stop weeping! readddddd.

2009-07-13T21:47:00.004+08:00

"you better be okay. my fist will meet ur face if u arent"

hahaahahha i love youuuuuuuuu... t-ruk(((:

i've missed you.

2009-07-13T20:22:00.003+08:00

a tickle of sadness

i'm not being myself.

and this is what happens when you cry for hours.

you'll get ugly puffy red swollen puny eyes ):

well done is BETTER than well said.

2009-07-12T14:33:00.005+08:00

Ironically, making a statement with words is the least effective method.

okay i'm sure i'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude.
and it's tearing me apart, it's ruining everything.
I swore, i would be true, and honey. so did you.
So why were you walking with her? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?
But i'm in soooo deep. you know i'm such a FOOL for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger,

ahhh now, shut me up, i'll calm down.

ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS, remember? :)

Time to wipe the tears away and try to hold my head high again.

2009-07-12T12:57:00.000+08:00

it's already sad that i have to go through everything alone. i'm amazed i pull through for these whole week. although i skipped dinner and breakfast until i nearly vomited, i'm even more amazed that i didn't tell anyone. not my mom, not my dad, none of my friends, nobody. nobody knows what i'm going through now. so i'll just have to carry the burden myself.

tell me why. what did i do?

being young and falling out of love at the age of sixteen.

2009-07-11T15:49:00.017+08:00

"what did i do? what went wrong?" i kept questioning myself. tears began to flow freely, sliding down my already tear-stained cheeks. crying did nothing to ease the ache i was feeling. a feeling that had been with me for a month, for weeks.

yes i know. sometimes, things doesn't work like how we want. and sometimes, we lose it. for example, falling out of love. I've been there, countless times.

once upon a time, in a junior high school, a mix of bad boy and intellectual boy yet so oh charming and cute drew my eyes. he's like perfect, a perfect standstill, a perfect shelter. HAHA good looking too! yes, he is my bestfriend. Bestfriends since Sec 1. I could tell him anything, and almost everything, and yeap i did. He always had something to make me laugh, with his korean slangs, like omg thats really uber funny. He had the ability to bring out the sun on my grayest days, making me laugh instead of cry.

Since sec1, i've never entertain to his love talks. haha cos i knew that time i wanted our path to be just as bestfriends. However, his charismatic attitude made me brought closer to him. Every day we grow closer, especially after our sydney trip. i felt different. a feeling like, my knees went weak whenever he's infront of me. and i seriously get super excited whenever he sms or calls me, HAHA :)

one fine morning, he finally made me realised that i am actually carrying a torch for him. GOSH. imagine. receiving his messages FIRST everyday without fail, without giving me chance to do it. for the past relationships i had before, i had never feel this way for anybody, this time it was really a strong feeling, so deep inside..

and because we bonded solidly, we decided to try it out on Valentine's Day itself. it was really hard for us to get toegther kay. i remember having so much hesitations hahahhaa. he sked me out.omg i was super happy. and on that day actually we spent the day together, going for band practice in the morning and going to Macdonalds in the noon. hais it was a really wonderful moment okay. We lasted for almost 4 months, 15 days before it. Every second every mind and every hour smsing. i pushed my studies, my friends, my band, my family out of my life. at that moment, i knew he was the only one that i'm gonna focus on 100%.

We were the high school sweethearts, that would marry someday, and so everyone thought.
We soon evolved into more.. on our 3rd month, i had never experienced anything like it before. We had our bad times together, ridiculous arguments than i could count. However, it won't last long, one of us(me usually hehehe) would always give in.

it was really annoying to me the way he smiled at pretty girls. texting any other girls, especially my bestfriend. when he don't even do that to me oftenly now?

But one day, everything was different. my dreams fall apart. i've always thought that we can always be together forever. But, what happened to forever? forever means never now. we've changed. This time. our fight was different. It wasn't a fight that end up with a sorry, but it was another sign that everything is coming to an end.. our tender kisses could no longer generate sparks.. We were still together then, neither of us would even dare the idea of breaking up, we left our relationship and problems hanging. Becoming more painful than ending it.

Almost 4 years i met him, and being together for awesome 105 days, it was time to let him go. Our paths never seems to cross.
We later went on seperation, being just as friends and grew apart.

Moving on was hard, at times it was unbearable. Our memories were so sweet, the way it is. I'm just waiting for time to heal this big empty hole, so deeply wounded in an almost torn heart.. But whatever it is, he will never be forgotten.. He will always have a special place in my heart and that can NEVER change :)

and obviously, there's alot more to say. and only the two of us knows bout it. inside out. anyway,

welcome to the
FIRST LOVE,
aryna.

great expense of pain and hardship.

2009-07-10T18:50:00.004+08:00

though i cried yesterday,
today because of you.
tomorrow i'll be happy..

chan rak ter, t-ruk ♥

where am i heading?

2009-07-10T17:39:00.004+08:00

When someone asked if I'm okay because I look emo, I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When someone asked why do i lose so much weight and look sick now, i immediately put on a wide smile and nodded. When someone asked if I was daydreaming, I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When people asked "Aryna, why do you look so emo? Are you okay?" I immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed. When someone told me something I didn't want to hear, something I knew would make me think a lot and get a little confused and emo later on, I shrugged that thought off and humbled myself and immediately put on a wide smile and nodded and laughed.

Love should be selfless, no? For example, which girl would truly feel happy with her (ex) boyfriend if he says he wants to break up with her because he thinks he's found someone better?

Well, we all try, we try, but here's the reality: Love is selfish.

i have to go, i'm late.

2009-07-07T17:10:00.002+08:00

it's like coming back to me....

shit. i need courage!

mummy? papa? what is happening???

from the bottom of my heart,

2009-07-06T21:15:00.000+08:00

sometimes the expression tells more than words. sometimes you are able to say more when you keep quiet. sometimes all you need is an action to show your affection..

i feel almost guilty for being defensive over myself. i completely thoroughly understand when people want to cut themselves, or stuffing themselves with drugs/panadols its based on purely having the intention to decrease the pain in the heart, the pain in your chest that causes you to cough with your own tears that can't stop pouring out.

i don't think life would be boring if there weren't any twists and twirls, zigs and zags, ups and downs? sometimes i need to spice things up a little, although it hurts ALOT.

alahhhh i need penyu ._.

NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

i want my penyu!

2009-07-06T20:57:00.000+08:00

"the day i saw you walking, i can't help myself but to look at you. it must be the way you smile at me. it's like morning dew. i'm so high on the cloud 9. and i think that you are mine. you tripped me over with your magical shine. you are perfect and you look so fine. come to me now, love. we'll be together forever"

but what happened to forever?

this is a story about love.

2009-07-05T10:50:00.002+08:00

Whenever i miss you so much

It's more than i can bear

I won't cry, I'll just close my eyes

And know you'll be there

and though we are a world apart

i know you'll never be that far

Hi ...

2009-07-04T12:48:00.011+08:00

GOOD MORNING WORLD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(hehehehehehehe)

definitely not the happiest person but happy is just enough :)))))

can't help but smile, in and out

2009-07-04T01:02:00.007+08:00

HI, I DO NOT HAVE SWINE FLU. IT IS JUST A NORMAL FEVER K.

(sigh)

so far i've been resting for 3 days already!
having my own facebook, friendster, bloggoing marathon hehe.

This week was a struggle!
right from the very begining..

aite, till the next post :)

but before that... let's watch and learn some jiggle jiggle. He is my guru grand babat k!

thank goodness for the sudden bundle of joy and sadness. i wanna go awayyyyyyyy ;D

2009-07-02T14:07:00.006+08:00

i'm not smiley, i'm grinny WHAHAHAHA.
that's just soooo random :)

i ended up looking like a goldfish today. and i'm serious.. i hate myself when
i cry... my eyes will turn puffy and red and swollen. yes people cry for good ten minutes but i will go on and on for hours..
sigh i'm not a cry baby.. and i think yesterday night was just horrible to the max.

this morning i had a long talk with my mom. and guess what. i think im more or less half decided to pursue my studies in malaysia or anywhere far away from here..
hahaha omg omg omg. i know this may sound silly but as much as my mom wanted me to study in malaysia or maybe in Mesir(saudie arabia) i think i seriously can't wait for that. hahahaaha omgosh

AREN'T YOU EXCITED LIKE I AM NOW WHAHAHAHAAAHAHA ^^

i don't really know whats gonna happen next.. but i hope it will come soon.
as soon as possbile will be best ;D

Thank you people who truly cares.

2009-07-02T10:45:00.014+08:00

the days had been shaky and horrible. i feel empty and incomplete but all i need now is just God and quiet time. i felt like im in my own world, although its occasionally just blank and empty like a big never-ending black hole. i tried to reverse the sad moments, escape from reality. yet my curiousity can almost kill me. i have no idea how to feel. its just this big lumps of things that are around me, like i don't even know the right words to explain the situation. there's no definite feeling or explaination.

i am just wondering alone.

i'm definitely not the kind who can say her feelings out. the type who just cries over it and wait until things go away slowly, trying to still remain happy and bubbly.

i have to get over it soon. i and i know i will.

I wouldn't be living for a day more without these people.

Thank you so much everyone, and alot more, sorry if i missed out your name, really! :)

Ms Melanie Ho
Izzuan
Arian
Emilyah
Fadhila
Angelo
Azman
Syamel
Fieza 'O
Sakinah
Syahirah
Mirrah
Tina Tan
Ying Ying
Asshiddiq
Shaqdah
Farris
Shakir
Ahmad Akmal
Ahmad Suheil
Zahirah
Masturah
Ezlin
Ashiqin
Kok Kiong
Puvin
Michelle
Suhaimi
Ling Sheng
Ren An
Zulhelmi Budiman
Khamirul
Nani
Alson
Nissiel
Sabrina
Mas Ramona
Kamilah
Haziq
Syafiq
Vincent
Gideon
Mariya
Linsa
Syazwan BK
Noel Chong
Ayun
Sheila

Thank you all <333333.

And to Emily, whom i'm not really close to before and seldom talk but now one of the closest people and trustworthy friend i've never stopped loving since forever who realized i was sad at first. your retard-ness cheered me up too anyway^^ haha.

And of course,

Ms roz and Mdm Fatimah for almost everything.. thousand thank you(s) will never be enough. words just can't describe how thankful and blessed i am..

My form teacher, which i don't expect her to know anything and to text me.. Ms Chan cy :)

And Mr Timothy wee and Ms Lim Soo leng, for asking.

these are probably only the names that i can come with. i've never felt so much warmth from so many people before! I LOVE EVERYONE! YAYYYYYYY ;DDD

AND...... most importantly....

to my ex boyfriend and ex potential husband, but forever my babycake, izzuan :)

(even though i don't think he'll read, aiyo but nevermindxzsz)

when you broke the news to me it was really shocking and it did hurt alot. till now i still couldn't believe it happened. memories reminisced when i look at our pictures together. it's been a month now after our break up. i'm sorry that i need time to forget. i'm sorry i'm not perfect. i'm sorry im sensitive. i'm sorry for getting jealous over everything so so so easily, esp when theres an opp gender involved. i'm sorry to be inadequate to be even half of your everything. i'm sorry that i am feeling like this. i'm sorry for being over protective. i'm sorry i was being inconsiderate at times. i'm sorry for bein sucha pain in the neck most of the time again and i'm sorry if i did make you feel that i'm not giving you the space or whutever. i really miss our good old sec 1 and 2 and 3 days like totally. on a lighter note, thank you for everything and for the great memories that is worth keeping. -__- but anyways, i hope we will still be the best best best of friends like before. i don't wanna lose a bestfriend like you kay?^^

and to my bestfriend and almost sister to me too, syahirah :)

thankkkkyouuu soooooooo much. i know it's scary for me to say this because of how life is. haha. really. you were there ALL THE TIME for me. and i mean it. you were there in class to make me laugh the crap out, you were there when i needed someone, you were there when he wasnt, you were there to listen and accompany me while i cry, you were there to listen to my problems, you were there to listen to how much pain i was going through. you were there in so many ways and i wish i could really tell you how much you mean to me! i know, it comes and goes, and that we probably think that we're close only because of our position and cos we're classmates. but i think it really goes a long way. hahaha please let's not lose contact even after we graduate! really (:

obviously i have alot more to say to people.. like sakinah, kamilah, fadhila and alot moreeeeeee! but for now i think i'll just stop here..

ooooooo thank you people, to whoever who is reading this. it's nice to know that you read. hahaha the feeling and thought is sweet :)

over and out,
❤ aryna.

we've changed.

2009-07-01T21:42:00.000+08:00

"Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is love"
i totally love this phrase.

i know i've been blogging alot..

Remember those times we could chat with each other on msn for hours?
And how we'd meet below our block, and we had so much to say to each other?
Remember how we could laugh at almost everything?
How we could stay up all night just listening to music and chatting?
How we could practically read each others' minds?

Now, what's this distance between us?
Why is it that when we meet, we don't talk anymore?

I hope we'll still remain friends cause, you really mean a lot to me.

THERE'S SOOOO MANY TO LOVE!

2009-06-30T09:32:00.006+08:00

although bestfrens in such drowning age is inevitable now, i think true frenships definitely still exists :)

i love all.

the thoughts in my head.

2009-06-30T08:32:00.003+08:00

okay i'm at home now. for some reasons (only some knows about it) and thats why i didn't go to school..

i don't exactly know the no. of people who reads my blog. but i actually appreciate how you guys come and read about my random stuffs. it's really touching HAHA! i feel so blessed and happy to know that whatever i write is almost equivalent to talking to all my close friends or nice acquaintances :) :) :)

throughout the day yesterday, i think my emotions took control. because things didn't seem very real. i feel so blessed in so many ways because there were too many things to be thankful for. even for the nasty people who got along my way, who betrayed me or behave like materialistic plastic human beings. i'm even thankful for that. the day just went on dreamy and surreal. as if things were upside down and unusual, but somehow realistic and down to earth at the same time.

it's just that something hard, difficult to perceive and emotional is chocking me down. tying to something that i cannot run away from. its like just keep sucking my life out. and i dont even know how. i try to take a day for a break. going out with bandmates.. going shopping with family.. but it's still there. it's still disallowing me to breathe properly and relax. i just hope this all stops before my nlvls. because at the rate i'm going, i dont know what i would do

over and out.
XOXO

For a short post,

2009-06-26T12:06:00.002+08:00

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSE TO DO NOW.
I'M MENTALLY TIRED, EXTREMELY DEPRESSED.

i still cannot bring myself to forget it!

anyways, king of pop passed on yesterday. rest in peace, michael.

XOXO.

lets be happy and gay. yays!

2009-06-23T23:04:00.004+08:00

i'm back! feels so good to blog again..
and...

i'm doing this for arian. probably reading my blog is his bed time stories hahaha. you should really go to sleep now yo!

yes yes, the week's been good. not as crazy or hectic as last week though. i didn't cry this week. YAYYY. hahaha. its an accomplishment for me. i was under so much pressure and stress the previous week..

and that sucks! so much. haha. i DON'T like crying. and i DON'T like being a cry baby! :(
just that when the first tear drops onto your lap; everything else just goes with it. its like flooded. its so stupid. im so emotional -_-
how retarded is that hmm? haha. i know im a sucker for tears. i hateeee it when i cry cause my eyes will turn puffy; my eyes will become painful and itchy and i would tend to have the need to sleep. people cry for a good ten minutes. i cry for an hour and get the aftermath of needing to rest my stupid eyes cos its painful. lol.... totally stewpid.

alright
i don't want to complain about my life. i hate complains, and i hate people who complain too much and i hate complaining.

i don't wanna talk about the nasty things that makes me sad or angry. either way; LETS BE HAPPY AND GAY. and thats even more YAYYYY.
haha. i'm actually a very happy person if you know me well.

PS: I miss my precious band mates!!

give me the strength.

2009-06-11T21:34:00.010+08:00

long conversations with bestest people like mdm fatimah, alson and arian really cheered me up.
thank you so much for the listening ear and comforting me, thank you for being there for me..
always.. i'm grateful..

in other words, your smses pulled me down AGAIN. it really hurts me alot ALOT reading it..
why are you being so hard and harsh towards me now? why the sudden change?

yes. i know every relationship has its ups and downs right. For a long period of time there were alot of misunderstandings. and definitely we have our differences. apparently some things were messed up, which i don't know what happened halfway.

i'm not 100% sure of whats gonna happen to us next time. i'm taking everything slow. although some people might dislike him for the things he might've done, he is still special to me in his own ways. thats for sure.

i've been struggling in handling this problem myself. it's been some time since i really share anything to anyone (except for mdm fatimah alson and arian of course) thats not because i want to save myself. i just want to minimize people's perception of him. sometimes it's so much easier to swallow all the pain myself and pretend to be okay and faking a stupid smile like as if these never been occured to me. he doesn't care about anything and almost everything now, it's time for me to accept him completely in fact.

the status might not really matter now. there are just some things that others might not be able to understand. and those things can only be understood by the both of us. what we had, what we have and what we might expect to have in the future.. we both need to concentrate on our studies and n lvls now.

i really do hope that we'll still be friends cause just so you know you really mean alot to me. ALOT. seems that knowing each other for almost coming three and the half years is still not enough. we've changed. whatever it is my head is really heavy from the dreadful crying and i need to sleep. my eyes hurts. goodnight.

oh allah i need your bless of strength to move on.

yet another sleepless night.

2009-06-11T16:59:00.002+08:00

feeling exceptionally sleepy today
i think i've yawned 140209 times and still counting
oh goodness but it's too early for me to sleep

today's somewhat a smooth day with lil hiccups here and there;
but everythings fine, i guess.

moods were on some serious turbo swing these past few days
crappyness worked it's way from morning till late night
ha ha

okay. i guess we've been through too much to let this go.
3 months itsn't alot. it isn't.
But the stuff we've been through in this short span of time is a lot.
We've both changed so much, for each other, it's incredible. Well okay more of you than me.
Still, it's so much. Too much to let go, and i guess that's why I can't.

i can't go on.
how?

second post for dha daeh ;D

2009-06-10T15:31:00.010+08:00

i realised i've been sounding emo on blog recently. HAHA

but blogging actually helps me to release my stess and emotions.

I don't know whats going on in my life right now. Things are coming and going so QUICKLY.

just like you and the other you.

though YOU don't know who i'm referring to; HAHA. confusing?
great :D

i'm just so sick of everything sometimes
SIGH. can't they leave me alone for a while?
i've been running in my mind for the entire day..
i must've been thinkin' tooo much for the past few days too;

things are like creeping to me like BUGS moving around and it's all over my head now.

okay i don't know what i am saying..

lawl, banggggg that wall

try visualizing it. hahaha

on a lighter note, some positive things are worth mentioning :D
today's just alot alot alot better

thanks for the care Kak ilah.
you made my day.

i think i sorta know what i need to do,
or like i wanna do, I THINK. HAHA.

anyway, it's all in red because i am being DAMN random to use his favourite color for this post. I don't think he'll read my blog anyway.
i miss you mr red!!! HAHAHAHHAHA :))

eh,
mere smiling or faking a smile can be really exhausting,right!
how do you cope with losing someone you love?
tell me plsxszxszxsz

oh allah, you are my only intention. I'm seeking for your help.
Please make me a stronger person to carry these.
amin

i don't feel alive.

2009-06-10T13:09:00.004+08:00

I think from now on I'm just going to keep myself really busy and occupied so that I don't have time to think. Because it seems every moment when I have to let my mind dwell and wander, my heart gets really heavy..
And there are just so many things I can't really explain without sounding stupid or nonsensical because there really is no reason to be feeling like this. I think I'll just drown myself in everything else and when this mood subsides, everything will be fine again. i hope.

Because these days, I tumble from happy, sad, angry or irritated within a span of a few hours and pls. it is really, REALLY tiring. Especially when I've got no one and nothing to blame.

Sometimes I wish a real emotional blow would hit me straight up in the heart, so that I can feel human again. I cry, I weep, I wail, I laugh, I smile; trying to hold back my emotions, but still crying over a memory I should have gotten over. i pulled out again, again and again.

i've been crying alot lately, like countless number of times. it was horrible okay! yesterday night was just crazy, i cried myself to sleep. haha
it's just like endless crying over and over again for the past 24hrs.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

i'll just reveal all my weaknesses and stupidity.

2009-06-09T19:24:00.002+08:00

I'm up to my limit. people have limits, and i used to be able to withstand every single obstacle that came into my way. But now i'm really not up to it. i seriously cannot manage these.

okay. i'm not all excuses. Just that for the past 2-3 days things havent been going so rather smoothly. other than my ex boyfriend, things are still fluctuating. from my studies, to my friends, to my family.

Am i supposed to also deny and that i'm not with him because if not it just looks really stupid? Am i supposed to pretend to be the happiest in school when i'm not? Am i supposed to tell him everything i feel, although i think it's inevitable? Am i supposed to feel like this in any sort of relationship? Am i supposed to just continue leave it hanging there? Am i supposed to pretend that i dont need him although i do? Am i supposed to pretend i'm not affected at all?

i don't understand why i reacted this way, and i don't understand why i can't control my fear of pain now.

Thank goodness i have my friends whom are by my side, actual friends. it's heartwarming. it's one of those reasons that i can be thankful for to God that enables me to still live for one more day each time. That sounds pathetic but uh ah, people do need friends. True friends that really know what friendships really mean, knowing how much pain you go through, right? haha.

sigh. There are so many thoughts in my head now. i don't even know what's wrong with me lately. I wish things were back to normal again like a MONTH ago.
I'm sorry i just need to let it out so i'll feel better. I'm sorry im being selfish this once just so that i prioritise myself instead of others. I'm sorry that i cant keep my mouth shut now because it's been bottled up. I'm sorry the words come out in tears and that i can't explain myself.

Anyway, i wanna Thank these people, for their care and concern. THANK YOU Mdm Fatimah, Ms Roz, Mr Shashi, Ms Lim, Fadhila, Michelle, Fieza 0, Sakinah, Mirrah, Shakir, Farris, Arian, Noel, Azman, Asshiddiq, Alson, Angelo, Ezlin, Zahirah, Masturah, Ellyanti, Jovi, Nissiel, Shaqdah, Renan, Toto and alot more.. sorry if i missed out your name,really! I LOVE EVERYONE, LIKE TOTALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY :D

izzuan, he make me smile even i'm at the lowest.

the inconsequential truth.

2009-06-08T20:38:00.003+08:00

i can't wait until my adolescent years are over,
until studies are over.

the days are getting scarier, oxymoronic much..

morning in school i were all smiles, cheery, exhilarant, bouncy, happy, joyful, ecstatic, jubilant. when i was on my way home i was almost grumpy, already crying, and definitely feeling miserable..

i wanted to stop faking a stupid smile once HCI peer tutoring was over.
but i realised i had to stay strong for maths lesson :(

talked alot to fadhila today..
i don't even know what to say anymore..

for a moment in time
i felt as if i could just cry for hours
and still, it wouldnt be sufficient.
it's amazing how emotions
suck all your appetite.
this way i dont need liposuction no more..

alright, a thousand words won't even help me describe how i feel..

2009-06-06T10:01:00.004+08:00

okay stepped down.
i think i'll miss scolding my members.
i think i'll miss it soooo much that i'll still continue doing it and not giving kok kiong a chance
hehehehehe.

ANYWAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAS HAZWAN BIN MA'AT!!!!!!

People are falling over their heads to get to it, willing to get hurt over and over again, willing to sacrifice their sweat and tears, all for their search for love.
Love can be the best thing that happens to a person, when you find The One. Other times, it's nothing more than a continual self-hurting process, a cycle of pain and hurt.
All for love.

Since when did you become my bestfriend?

2009-05-29T23:05:00.005+08:00

I don't know why i'm feeling so down.
Dear god, forgive me.

i hate having 3-4 hours of sleep a day only.
i hate knowing i'm not studying enough.
i hate knowing i'm lagging behind.
i hate knowing i don't have enough time to do everything i have to.
i hate losing my bestfriend.
i hate knowing that my days in band are numbered.
i hate knowing that june holidays are coming and it's time to chiong for Nlvls.
i hate being in sec 4.

i get very depressed everytime i think about it ):
my eyes hurts and my head is really heavy from all the crying.
It's like anytime soon my eyes can pop out.
OKAY.
It's time for me to go to bed, goodnight world.

"there was no theif because it was me who lost you"

2009-05-25T19:00:00.002+08:00

I AM STILL TYRING.

COURAGE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
I miss my #29 PLEASE. ALOT ALOT ALOT ALOT ALOT :(

you said:
"wait till i've sorted out everything luhhhh".

everything was a lot SIMPLER but there came a time where everything became complicated.

2009-05-22T22:56:00.005+08:00

i've recently been in a very taking-matters-in-my-own-hands-and-emo-ish lately.
please don't ask why.
hehe

today is a bad day. two reasons to prove it:

1) totally knew my midyear results and almost flunk all.
2) climate isn't right, thank you sun you were scorching hotttt alright!

but other than that, all thing's been pretty good.

on another note, i finally got to know what was his real reasons. my prediction was right...
I've got to find a way to stop you falling into my mind please.

BAND TOMORROW. is that a yay?

i really do hope that we'll last because
you mean a lot to me.

okay, i just need to pen down my thoughts alright?

2009-05-21T22:38:00.005+08:00

i need to go somewhere and scream and cry my lungs out.
Every sms from you telling me you love me makes me want to cry all over again.
I don't want to hurt you anymore, I guess i'm causing the most harm to the person i love most.
We keep arguing almost everyday; and i know nothing much good come out of it.
It didn't really brought us closer but instead it is drifting us apart. This is not right.

too much to let go but i just can't, I.
9 days later and it is happening again.

how painful, much.

2009-05-19T21:50:00.002+08:00

He's walking away from me.
His back is tense,
and I know he's angry with me.
I suppose he's got a right to be angry.
He's looking back at me now with that look in his eyes.
The look that says I've disappointed him again.
I know I'm a coward for not even trying.
He's been waiting for 20 minutes,
and I can't even try to make him feel any better.

Every second takes him

further and further away from me.

I want to go after him.

I want to beg him to stay

and never leave my side.
Why couldn't I just tell him what he wanted to hear?

Why couldn't I just tell him I love him?

Instead, I say nothing.I do nothing.

I just stand and watch him disappear,

not having the courage to call him back.

imbecility much.